Square Peg, Round Hole

Where am I, and where do I belong?
This is the question I have been contemplating within me, and I have been praying for God to lead me in the direction he wants, but it seems all things are coming too a stand still. It is not a new concept for me not to fit in very well, never have, never will completely, I'm just too unique, and most of the time that is just fine. But I have felt very complacent and stuck lately especially with my walk with God. It is not as if I question anything, and I do all the shoulds, like read my bible, pray, go to church, and I participate in House Churches, and at the College Christian group UteNited at the U. I try to fill my life with God, but it seems lately I have been doing everything, and it feels like I am kind of spinning my tires and not going anywhere, like something is missing, it is beginning to annoy me. I know maybe I just need more patience, or maybe the Lord is trying to tell me something, but what I have no idea, and for the last month I feel like limbo. It is frustrating, I wish I had some wild insight, or some overall inspirational thought, but in the end I feel like I am being consumed by work and school, and everything else, and it is all just like waving, a mindless reaction of day to day life. Maybe it is just stress talking, and I simply need to buckle down for the next half of the semester, or just burnout in general. In the end, basically I have this constant feeling like I am the square peg, being rammed into a round whole, and can't find the square hole where I belong. I guess that is life, and it creates an interesting conundrum for me to analyze, and I know I will keep trudging along, but if God has something for me, I wish I could figure it out, and get out of this spin out.

The disconnect of the reconnect

In my walk with Christ there are many hard things, in my life of school there are hard things, in the walk with myself there seem like impossible things. I sometimes look around me and see people, and immediately start to analyze, people, at times without realizing it, except in the training of a Psychologist, we are trained to diagnose problems, not to determine, and for the most part we observe normal people to find their weaknesses, mainly to see the very things we see wrong with ourselves. It is almost a humbling mechanism for me, to bring me back. Realize I on my high horse of understanding and being able to start to comprehend the state of mind, I am just as if not more crazy than they are, but at the same time, in all our knowledge we can never overcome our greatest adversary of our own inadequacies. For me the greatest recently has been a challenge of place, especially in my faith, and balancing it with life and school. I sometimes get this isolationist mood, where I just feel like I am alone and I am the only one who understands, because I admit I push myself harder than I should, it is who I am. I have to give the 150% all the time otherwise I feel like I am accomplishing nothing. But I have recently brought that down, but with my illness a couple weeks ago, I fell behind and it was an uphill battle on an escalator heading down to catch up. For this reason with the recovery I have been trying to push myself, yet not too hard, which is a virtual impossibility, and so of course the recovery has been slow, and it seems my minutes and seconds seem to never be enough. In this time a couple of previously mentioned issues with my faith has come up, and recently I have felt kind of just in limbo. I couldn't quite identify it, it was just like I was always two steps behind myself. To add to it, I have been in a hard place in finding where do I belong, especially in my faith, it seems the hardest part of my life is that I have never had a place, or a group that I truly belong, I more exist, if I come I am welcome, but am never truly a connected part, this is ongoing with me, but it just has been kind of lonely lately, not so much of a physical nature but more emotional, especially with God, because it is not like I don't do God stuff, I do tons of stuff with Bible studies, serving churches, going to church, and church groups, but I was running the actions, I was running around him, without actually sitting down and talking to him.
Last night I found out I am not alone in at least one of these things, at UteNited I heard someone who I saw as “Spiritually Invincible” (I know none of us are, but I have a tendency to sometimes give people that realizing they are human, but always just connected), admit that even they sometimes just start running the course, and doing all the stuff, but forget to maintain a close connection to God, and become a bit detached. And suddenly I was like, LIGHT BULB, and I realized I was so busy running around God, that I forgot to stop and commune with God. It was awesome and I never got a chance to thank him that night, because it shifted my paradigm, I felt that much less alone in this universe, I wasn't the only who feels disconnected. It was kinda freeing.
At this moment I am once again reminded that God is always there, especially in the tough times just knocking and waiting, and loving, and still there to help, just waiting for us to even just give a wisp of needing his help, for him just dump blessings. Yes God is that AWESOME.

The Difficult Debate (Adaptation) Theistic Evolution vs. Old Creationism

Recently a great debate has blind sided me, that is leaving me somewhat torn in my mind. I have spent many years of my life studying many subjects intellectual and many Christian subjects, and have found the greatest of all gifts, the gift of Grace, a greater relationship with my God, and until now my path as a Christian, though winding, has been one awesome discovery after another into expanding my understanding of the gospel of Christ. That was until recently, I am at a stand still in an argument that seems to me to be a sore subject to many, and has been a thorn in my mind in that it is a discussion I have decided, yet it is being challenged by those who I am close to.Recently my church The Rock, has started a series about Genesis, and from the get go the train wreck began as one of my core beliefs, and understandings, was immediately attacked, and the nerve was struck HARD, that is the debate of Old Creationism vs. Theistic Evolution.I have spent a good part of my life, due to my parents mostly my mother fascinated by science, and a total respect for God's part in it, and especially in it's creation. From as far back as I can remember I have looked through microscopes, and went to museums, I spent many summers doing little science projects, from astronomy, to physics, to biology. Also many memories of going to Dinosaur National Park, looking at the fossils, I was so fascinated that I read and studied paleontology, to this day I can name and recognize a large majority of the different dinosaurs, what period they came from, I loved it so much I spent a good majority of my life wanting to become a Paleontologist, and still think about it as a retirement option.At the same time I studied the word of God, I have studied the bible, and have read Genesis many times, as well as the rest of the Bible. And through this after many years, I have seen the great power of God in nature, and have seen the majesty of the world and all the creations of God, but I have seen the power of God creating laws physical, spiritual and combing them to show his majesty and glory, and control of them in establishing the laws of nature that I believe he follows because they are his creation. Long ago I developed an understanding, and a belief that God may not have created the world in 7 days but that does not put any less restraints on his power, that 7 days is a symbol of God and his infinite power.But now I have been accused of saying that I am compromising some of my belief in God and a part of the relationship with God and am undermining his power. Because there is no way that the creation as described in Genesis could be symbolic, unless I take the whole bible as symbolic. Which I see is absurd and completely ignorant thinking. I am accused of claiming symbolism where symbolism is not present, and compromising my belief in the bible, which not to offend, is absurd and ignorant to say.Now this is not the first time this debate has come up, I have defended my position many times, even on the floor of debate. In college I participated in a couple of debates, granted I was still LDS, which the same subject is just as controversial, yet now I am being all but called a heretic in the Christian faith for believing the world is round, and we orbit the sun. To me Old Creationism\Intellectual Design, is the same plague that has plagued Christianity for centuries, and it is the arrogance and undermining of God, by man trying to box him up and tell him he has to adapt to our beliefs, not his infinite power of creation of his Laws of science he created, that we have in reality only skimmed the surface. Yet are learning more and more, delving into the majesty of his power, and discovering how we can alter manipulate and learn to understand, and at the same time realize the more we try and control, the less we really understand. To me the words of Albert Einstein ring most true now “Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind”. I put my faith in God, and believe in his infinite power and wisdom, which is why I put my faith in his book, the bible, and his power to create his powerful laws of science that he controls yet follows, where the creation story is full of symbolism, used repeatedly throughout the bible, and demostrated as such, creating imagery that we as ignorant humans could understand, and relate too (especially since time didn't even operate the same back than, than for us). Yet I would say, the Bible is full of serious and symbolism, I would never take Songs of Solomon literally, or many parts of Isaiah, but a symbolism, but I don't doubt God created a flood over the Earth in Noah's Ark, Moses parting the Red Sea, or many miracles, spiritual and physical combined. And I especially believe in God as an all powerful God, a perfect God that loves us, and my only salvation through his Grace. But it troubles me that people I see and brothers and sisters in Christ, would blatantly challenge my faith over a matter that is not our Salvation, and judge my belief in Christ and the Bible, over a matter that is not related to salvation, but an interesting subject to look at. If I offend anyone it is not my intention, but to voice my mind, voice what concerns me with a judgmental point of view, that is mainly political. But I love all my brothers and sisters in Christ and you're all great, but on this point I fear I will never agree, for me science may not always be right, but it has its place with God, only flawed by human failure. Luckily we are saved by a GREAT and LOVING GOD, and his INFINITE AWESOME GRACE! For this I am one of his own and I serve him with all my might, and follow his word even in my short comings, that he has saved me from.

I am my worst enigma

Over the last couple of weeks I have felt so, so, so, AHHHH, so I cant even describe it. I feel like I am on a freakin manic rollercoaster, and I cant freakin get off it. I mean even worse than usual, because usually I will have good days, bad days, but now it is by the minute, one minute I have everything under control, and then BAM, a thousand irrational thoughts flying through my head. I can bring it under control, then it goes away, and then WAM, I feel really depressed, and I cant control it and then it comes under control, it is like, like, I just cant describe it. But at least I can control it. I think part of it may be the obvious anxiety of change, I mean in the last couple of weeks alot has caused a good amount of stress, because I had inventory last week, and it didnt go as well as I wanted, and there was alot of tension in reconciliation, yeah it was not fun. Then with school starting and the I am trying to figure out how I am going to pay for Grad school and trying to prepare for it, and what I should do with my job, which is stressful on a good day, and totally hell on a bad day. Then to add insult to injury, I had found like, THE BEST, psychologist, who totally connected with me and totally understood me, well he is leaving and so now I have to go to a new psychologist, which I am sure will be a good experience, but is a additive to my anxiety. Of course the three to four hours of sleep a night, not exactly in a row. It is just getting really old, and I have total faith that God has given me tons of strength, and I have so taken to the wristband that we got from the Roots campaign, that says PRAY CONTINUALLY, which is one thing I have pushed for and it has given me the strength to appear normal to other people, but I still am getting tired of the manic roller coaster, I wish I had words to explain totally, but anyway, maybe I will addendum later but for now I have to go.

I have negated my blogging duties, BUT not without good cause, my life is INSANE this week. I am going so many directions I am suprised that my body hasn't just split apart and ended up in different places. Not that it isn't totally awesome to be busy, but it is just starting to wear me out.
I wanted to write about my total God weekend, it all started on Friday night, where at the last second the person who was supposed to go with me to the symphony bailed on me, but whatever, their loss, because it is one of the best concerts I have EVER seen, I mean Beethoven hasn't heard his 9th Symphony played with such power, I mean this may be Kieth Lockharts last season, but he started it with a bang, I was in awe, and it raised my spirits million percent.
On Saturday I heard the best sermon on Prayer that taught me so much, and was inspired of it's power. Bill our senior pastor had the most awesome stories of how God will provide in his own time and own ways. It was wow!
The roller coaster didn't stop then, the next day I went to The Capital church, which was doing an awesome sermon on God in the Movies, using examples from Dan in Real Life, a show I would highly recommend to anyone who hasn't seen it. Anyway it was on finding wisdom through God, especially through prayer, and emphasizing in James, that you had to pray, but without doubt and true intent. Now I am all about prayer, but when I started to think about it, I had to admit that at times I have doubt issues, and I have a hard time handing over the wheel to God, but it has been something that I have working on really hard.
Continuing on I went to the BBQ of the Capital Church and had some awesome meat. Although it was kinda sucky because I only knew two people there, and they weren't exactly the most social bunch, they kinda cliqued, and then chose who to bring in. Although by the end, I met some pretty awesome people, who seemed almost as crazy as me. At least it killed a couple of hours on a Sunday.
After that I had an hour or so to kill, and I wanted to check out The Mount church because I had heard it was pretty cool, which was close to where I was, and so didn't want to go home, but didn't really know what to do. Then I started to think, everybody talks about these prayer walks, and I had never tried it. So I started to walk around Sugarhouse park, and just started talking to God, about everything, my life, how it was going, the complete lack of abiility I had to sustain a real relationship, with anybody, and the question of if I should date at all. It is a hard thing for me, because I connect with someone, it is very painful and difficult for me to disconnect. And am kinda tired of getting hurt. But when my sister had her kid, it was like, awwwww, I know it is not manly, but get over it, I am a sucker for babys, especially when they are in the lizard stage. Anyway I also was stoked about how awesome our Roots campaign was and is going to be, and to bless us that we can make our goal of 20 services by 2020. It was so powerful, I loved it, and had an awesome connection.
I finished and drove over to The Mount where I met someone I knew, and met a ton of other awesome people. Anyway the service started, and I just wanted to start laughing when I found out that the subject was none other than on Dating, it was amazining and they had a panel and asked questions and discussed it. I found it hilarious that the very thing I had been praying about and BAM, there it was. God is so awesome and he so knows me, and what I need when. I was awestruck and still am. Anyway, I must get back to the lovely world of psycology, and such. so I will bid adieu.

Event photos 2008

The Rock Church, All Church Campout, friends and family in Christ, praising and worshipping him for three days having church in Maplton canyon. The most awesome part was we saw 27 people decide to physically manifest their great love for Christ and were baptized, in frickin freezing cold water. As close to heaven as it comes.

My friends Ben and Cindy wedding, WOW I had short hair!

At long last love.....LOST!

Well, I cannot sleep, so I guess the next best thing is to blog. I am warning you now, this is really me just trying to put my emotions in writing and rant a little, so I can better understand them,you have been warned. I am feeling so up in the air right now, the last three weeks, have not only been awesome, but a time I shall never forget, for the first time in 3 years, I felt loved, by someone who really cared. Unfortunetly I turned out to be very wrong. The most annoying part is it all fell apart for reasons I do not entirely understand, but what else in new in relationships. I know that God has a reason for everything, and I totally trust in him, but for me to love, or to trust people is not something I do easily. So I do not trust, or fall in and out of love easily or quickly, but it just seemed so right, that I threw caution to what I thought was the Lords will, and the rest is now as they say history. Lately I have been trying so hard to just give it up to God, to totally trust him and whatever happens, happens, just accept him as my God, and guide in life. So when I met someone in a coincidence of fate, who broke my barrier, and asked me out, taking me, A. Not only by suprise, but B. That it just felt right (oh, emotions, head shake double time). I was like, yeah, this feels right, God is trying to tell me, maybe I need to re-assess my absolutely positively no datiing, and definetly no trusting people, or opening my heart, because I suck at it, and statistically relationships dont just fail they crash, burn and leave no survivors. And I know it is silly to try to analyze anything emotional statistically, but I do I am anxious, I think alot of stupid and totally irrational things, its what we do,and this is my rant so get over it.But against better judgement I, ever so hesitantly broke every rule that has protected me, and what little trust I have left, because I thought I had met someone who I thought accepted me for me, and who understood me, and cared about me, and who most importantly showed what I thought was compassion, and love and turned out to be nothing more than almost a science experiment. So now I am back in the world of rejection, and I know that God did this for a reason, but it still hurts to feel rejected, and have something so wonderful and then like Lucy pulling the ball away from Charlie Brown just before he is about to kick it, I am flat on my back and dazed, and after Lucy has done that so many times, thinking, why the hell does Charlie Brown keep doing that to himself. And why do I keep doing this to myself. I guess it is one of the hazards of life, and trusting people, so unless God has another plan, but the hardest thing is that my trust meter is burned out, so I am like I said just up in the air free falling, and thinking, here is to the next 3 years, maybe by then I will rebuild enough courage, or insanity to trust someone else. Does anyone else really feel like screaming right now?