I am my worst enigma

Over the last couple of weeks I have felt so, so, so, AHHHH, so I cant even describe it. I feel like I am on a freakin manic rollercoaster, and I cant freakin get off it. I mean even worse than usual, because usually I will have good days, bad days, but now it is by the minute, one minute I have everything under control, and then BAM, a thousand irrational thoughts flying through my head. I can bring it under control, then it goes away, and then WAM, I feel really depressed, and I cant control it and then it comes under control, it is like, like, I just cant describe it. But at least I can control it. I think part of it may be the obvious anxiety of change, I mean in the last couple of weeks alot has caused a good amount of stress, because I had inventory last week, and it didnt go as well as I wanted, and there was alot of tension in reconciliation, yeah it was not fun. Then with school starting and the I am trying to figure out how I am going to pay for Grad school and trying to prepare for it, and what I should do with my job, which is stressful on a good day, and totally hell on a bad day. Then to add insult to injury, I had found like, THE BEST, psychologist, who totally connected with me and totally understood me, well he is leaving and so now I have to go to a new psychologist, which I am sure will be a good experience, but is a additive to my anxiety. Of course the three to four hours of sleep a night, not exactly in a row. It is just getting really old, and I have total faith that God has given me tons of strength, and I have so taken to the wristband that we got from the Roots campaign, that says PRAY CONTINUALLY, which is one thing I have pushed for and it has given me the strength to appear normal to other people, but I still am getting tired of the manic roller coaster, I wish I had words to explain totally, but anyway, maybe I will addendum later but for now I have to go.

I have negated my blogging duties, BUT not without good cause, my life is INSANE this week. I am going so many directions I am suprised that my body hasn't just split apart and ended up in different places. Not that it isn't totally awesome to be busy, but it is just starting to wear me out.
I wanted to write about my total God weekend, it all started on Friday night, where at the last second the person who was supposed to go with me to the symphony bailed on me, but whatever, their loss, because it is one of the best concerts I have EVER seen, I mean Beethoven hasn't heard his 9th Symphony played with such power, I mean this may be Kieth Lockharts last season, but he started it with a bang, I was in awe, and it raised my spirits million percent.
On Saturday I heard the best sermon on Prayer that taught me so much, and was inspired of it's power. Bill our senior pastor had the most awesome stories of how God will provide in his own time and own ways. It was wow!
The roller coaster didn't stop then, the next day I went to The Capital church, which was doing an awesome sermon on God in the Movies, using examples from Dan in Real Life, a show I would highly recommend to anyone who hasn't seen it. Anyway it was on finding wisdom through God, especially through prayer, and emphasizing in James, that you had to pray, but without doubt and true intent. Now I am all about prayer, but when I started to think about it, I had to admit that at times I have doubt issues, and I have a hard time handing over the wheel to God, but it has been something that I have working on really hard.
Continuing on I went to the BBQ of the Capital Church and had some awesome meat. Although it was kinda sucky because I only knew two people there, and they weren't exactly the most social bunch, they kinda cliqued, and then chose who to bring in. Although by the end, I met some pretty awesome people, who seemed almost as crazy as me. At least it killed a couple of hours on a Sunday.
After that I had an hour or so to kill, and I wanted to check out The Mount church because I had heard it was pretty cool, which was close to where I was, and so didn't want to go home, but didn't really know what to do. Then I started to think, everybody talks about these prayer walks, and I had never tried it. So I started to walk around Sugarhouse park, and just started talking to God, about everything, my life, how it was going, the complete lack of abiility I had to sustain a real relationship, with anybody, and the question of if I should date at all. It is a hard thing for me, because I connect with someone, it is very painful and difficult for me to disconnect. And am kinda tired of getting hurt. But when my sister had her kid, it was like, awwwww, I know it is not manly, but get over it, I am a sucker for babys, especially when they are in the lizard stage. Anyway I also was stoked about how awesome our Roots campaign was and is going to be, and to bless us that we can make our goal of 20 services by 2020. It was so powerful, I loved it, and had an awesome connection.
I finished and drove over to The Mount where I met someone I knew, and met a ton of other awesome people. Anyway the service started, and I just wanted to start laughing when I found out that the subject was none other than on Dating, it was amazining and they had a panel and asked questions and discussed it. I found it hilarious that the very thing I had been praying about and BAM, there it was. God is so awesome and he so knows me, and what I need when. I was awestruck and still am. Anyway, I must get back to the lovely world of psycology, and such. so I will bid adieu.

Event photos 2008

The Rock Church, All Church Campout, friends and family in Christ, praising and worshipping him for three days having church in Maplton canyon. The most awesome part was we saw 27 people decide to physically manifest their great love for Christ and were baptized, in frickin freezing cold water. As close to heaven as it comes.

My friends Ben and Cindy wedding, WOW I had short hair!

At long last love.....LOST!

Well, I cannot sleep, so I guess the next best thing is to blog. I am warning you now, this is really me just trying to put my emotions in writing and rant a little, so I can better understand them,you have been warned. I am feeling so up in the air right now, the last three weeks, have not only been awesome, but a time I shall never forget, for the first time in 3 years, I felt loved, by someone who really cared. Unfortunetly I turned out to be very wrong. The most annoying part is it all fell apart for reasons I do not entirely understand, but what else in new in relationships. I know that God has a reason for everything, and I totally trust in him, but for me to love, or to trust people is not something I do easily. So I do not trust, or fall in and out of love easily or quickly, but it just seemed so right, that I threw caution to what I thought was the Lords will, and the rest is now as they say history. Lately I have been trying so hard to just give it up to God, to totally trust him and whatever happens, happens, just accept him as my God, and guide in life. So when I met someone in a coincidence of fate, who broke my barrier, and asked me out, taking me, A. Not only by suprise, but B. That it just felt right (oh, emotions, head shake double time). I was like, yeah, this feels right, God is trying to tell me, maybe I need to re-assess my absolutely positively no datiing, and definetly no trusting people, or opening my heart, because I suck at it, and statistically relationships dont just fail they crash, burn and leave no survivors. And I know it is silly to try to analyze anything emotional statistically, but I do I am anxious, I think alot of stupid and totally irrational things, its what we do,and this is my rant so get over it.But against better judgement I, ever so hesitantly broke every rule that has protected me, and what little trust I have left, because I thought I had met someone who I thought accepted me for me, and who understood me, and cared about me, and who most importantly showed what I thought was compassion, and love and turned out to be nothing more than almost a science experiment. So now I am back in the world of rejection, and I know that God did this for a reason, but it still hurts to feel rejected, and have something so wonderful and then like Lucy pulling the ball away from Charlie Brown just before he is about to kick it, I am flat on my back and dazed, and after Lucy has done that so many times, thinking, why the hell does Charlie Brown keep doing that to himself. And why do I keep doing this to myself. I guess it is one of the hazards of life, and trusting people, so unless God has another plan, but the hardest thing is that my trust meter is burned out, so I am like I said just up in the air free falling, and thinking, here is to the next 3 years, maybe by then I will rebuild enough courage, or insanity to trust someone else. Does anyone else really feel like screaming right now?

God is Amazing! Albeit, if, not sometimes through strange means.

I am like so totally hyped my mind is about to explode, I mean, I feel like Job(solely minescule comparison), who lost everything, to gain everything. Over the last year, I have lost friends, money, family, power, self worth, you name it. I was as low as you can go, mentally. I was so low that I was wishing God to just kill me. I believed in him, but I didnt truly trust him, or me. I was trying so hard to solve my own problems, and fighting my own battles to prove to God I could do it by myself, and be worthy of him. So he stood on the sidelines, waiting, and probably shaking his head in frustration of my pride. I fought and fought and fought, marvelously I am sure, but to no avail or victory. I tried to fix everything, every way I knew how, and was praying to God to help me, but to do it through my own prideful, and ignorant ways, by myself. And he just stood on the sidelines picking me up, brushing me off, and letting me run back into the battle, shaking his head. Then in the last couple of months, I hit bottom.I suffer from anxiety/depression, there, I said it; I am wierd, and crazy, but it is part of me that makes me, me. And yes, contrary to what anyone says, or believes, it is real, I have blood, and brain chemical tests to prove it. Unfortunetly no medications out there can properly remedy my situation, so I have instead learned to live with it, and most of the time I have been able to keep it under control. But lately, I lost control it seemed no matter what I did, and how many miles I ran, the irrational and stupid thoughts of anxiety/depression ran through my head. I never felt like doing anything with anyone, I would force myself to go out and do things, but I would just be freaking out the whole time, constantly feeling embarresed because I would just randomly start to cry, sometimes for no reason, or trigger it would just start. I hated being with people, I hated being alone, I hated me for being me. God ran onto the field a couple of times calling a 2 minute time out and held me, shaking his head I am sure in frustration, and I telling him "I am going to do it, I am going to be the child you deserve, and worthy of you", then he let me go on fighting. Until finally I was at the end, I did not know who I could trust, all I would do is sit at home, thinking how wothless I was. I would ask myself, why would God even care about me, I am one meaningless person, leading a meaningless existence. And started succumbing to my thoughts of anxiety/depression. Then as I was listening to Mac speaking on Romans 8, and the wonder of God and his loving grace, and the power he wields if he we let him fight for us. I listened Friday, then Saturday I was so very low, but God sent a most awesome friend, who, even though I was crying like a baby for no other reason than because I could, came and prayed for me and he just held me in my time of need, I knew in that moment, it was a God moment, it was not by chance that he happened to look my way and even from a distance, see the pain. I realized even if my anxiety and experience told me I could not trust anyone, this moment proved, I can fully trust in God, and finally I just fell on my knees that night when I got home, and said, God, I can do nothing, and I am not worthy of your love or grace, but I give everything up to you, and will do as you will, in your way. I felt more joy than I have ever felt before, and within an hour, my phone rang. It was the person who had betrayed me, putting me in a never ending financial ruin. He said "I looked into my 9 year olds eyes tonight, and he asked what happened to Uncle Eric. Then I had this welling feeling, a feeling that through the rest of the night sat in my stomach like lead. I am so sorry for hurting you, when you did so much for me, I do not think the feeling will go away until I have reconciled with you. I do not expect your forgiveness, but only to reconcile what I have done". I forgave him and he has reconciled my finances, literally solving them overnight. God was so amazing, and not done yet. My phone had been stolen a month earlier, the next day, I got a call from the police, that my phone was found and the screen had been broken. I told them it had already been that way, and they said, "Well the insurance has already sent you a new one, sorry you will have to take it". I was awed and felt so unworthy, but in that moment knew that God will NEVER let us down, if only we will trust in him. But God was not done by a long shot, in that week, I actually talked to my parents and they accepted that I was Christian, and was not going to change, and actually showed interest in what I believe. Then the kickers, I had been so low the week before, I just had to talk and was desperate for anything that might help, my work offers free couciling, so I called and made an appointment. I walked into his office and we started to talk, and within minutes I realized it was Gods love that led me here. As I started to talk to him all of sudden he stopped me and said, you feel like this, and this , and this, and it gets really sucky when you feel like this. I sat there for a moment, and he just said, "I suffered and suffer from the same things, it sucks, I know, lets get through this". I have never had a more productive session in my life, I told him what had worked for me, and that some things had stopped, and he introduced me into some things that worked for him, and some things to try. I went home and cried, but this time tears of joy, God had come to me, he was not just part of my life, but in it, and it is the most awesome place for him to be. And then I was thinking about my session, and realized somthing I had been pondering for a while, and strugglng with, what I wanted to do occupationally speaking, nothing I had done had really done more than pay the bills or brought any satisfaction, at that moment, I realized the session had double purpose I loved the way he made me feel and the hope he gave, especially when I realized the coucilor, was just as crazy as the patient, and through that truly could connect with me. I am signing up for classes in psycology, because I want to do the same for someone else, I want to be able to bring the joy into their lives, and perhaps have them ask where my joy, and how my change happened. And I will tell them simply Christ, if they want to know more I can share the message of hope with them. The last blessing God has given me, I am still seeing what will come of it, and will let you know, but it may be one of the awesomest things that happen to me in my life, short of finding Christ. I am so amazed at the infinite love of Christ our God, and the limitless power he has. I was further touched by Steele speaking on Romans 10, when he said we need to stop trying to be worthy, and fix things ourselves and just accept that we will always be unworthy, but if you just go into Gods outstreched arms, he will make your cup run over, and when you think you have lost everything, he will give you as he gave Job, and me, two fold in return. God has mysterious ways, but they are amazing and God is an amazing God, who loves me and you and everyone that has, is, or will exist on this earth, if only we trust him with our whole heart, and even if you can trust nobody else, and it will not always be easy, with God everything is possible, and his love is infinite. Congrats if you made it all the way, sorry this is so long, but it is so true and God is so awesome, I had to share it.

Amazing Grace

I just woke up from yet another night terror, not unusual as of late. I was shaking and the anxiety was such that I wanted to do anything to make it stop. So to try and calm down I turned on my ipod, it was set on shuffle, and it landed on the Rock Church Revolution II album, Amazing Grace, and I heard the words: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I am found, was blind but now I see.As I listened to those words a sudden sense that someone was holding me, as a parent would hold their child, and a sense of calm rushed over me. Recently I have felt so alone, so unworthy of anything life has left to offer. Yet in my darkest hours God has run to my rescue, he has not only extended his hand, but wrapped his arms around me and shielded me. I am at a time in my life where everyone I have truly trusted has turned against me, and yet one hand is and has always been outstreched, and in this moment God saw my pain and stopped reaching and ran to me, even before I had time to call to him. His love and grace is so sufficient that he knows when we need him, he will always have an outsteched hand for us, waiting for us to grab on when we need him, but he is so much more he is our father and God and when we cannot reach him he will run to us. I am so grateful for such a great God. I do not just hear those words I feel them, I mean I cannot express the joy God has given me, even in the most dark of times, I lack nothing that I need. He gives me trials, but no more than I deserve and can handle and in the end I have a place to live and food to eat, and one thing I have not had in a while real friends who not only listen, but accept me, even when I am me, an arrogant, sarcastic, smart ass who pushes everyone away. I wish I could say that I would change, but I am afraid, cynical, sarcastic, and emotionally defensive is who I have become, and has protected me in the last couple of years. After I calmed down, I opened my computer to write this, and I noticed I had left it on the youtube video, Lifehouse Everything Skit, which is inspiring to me, because it embodies me and shows how my life went, I became so obsessed with all those things from relationships, to money, to alcohol, drugs, fashion, anything that would bring me peace, or the world told me I needed to be happy. And in the end they did, but only for small moments ,even as by the worlds standards I had everything, I felt like I had nothing, when it all came down to it I questioned the reasoning to even keep existing. Then I found Christ and his amazing grace, or rather he ran to me, and lifted me up, dragging me until I have the strength to stand on my own and walk with him at my side. I dont know if anyone will ever read this, and usually I would never write this, but God is and has been so great I just feel I need to write how good he is, even if it is just for me to remember later.