God is Amazing! Albeit, if, not sometimes through strange means.

I am like so totally hyped my mind is about to explode, I mean, I feel like Job(solely minescule comparison), who lost everything, to gain everything. Over the last year, I have lost friends, money, family, power, self worth, you name it. I was as low as you can go, mentally. I was so low that I was wishing God to just kill me. I believed in him, but I didnt truly trust him, or me. I was trying so hard to solve my own problems, and fighting my own battles to prove to God I could do it by myself, and be worthy of him. So he stood on the sidelines, waiting, and probably shaking his head in frustration of my pride. I fought and fought and fought, marvelously I am sure, but to no avail or victory. I tried to fix everything, every way I knew how, and was praying to God to help me, but to do it through my own prideful, and ignorant ways, by myself. And he just stood on the sidelines picking me up, brushing me off, and letting me run back into the battle, shaking his head. Then in the last couple of months, I hit bottom.I suffer from anxiety/depression, there, I said it; I am wierd, and crazy, but it is part of me that makes me, me. And yes, contrary to what anyone says, or believes, it is real, I have blood, and brain chemical tests to prove it. Unfortunetly no medications out there can properly remedy my situation, so I have instead learned to live with it, and most of the time I have been able to keep it under control. But lately, I lost control it seemed no matter what I did, and how many miles I ran, the irrational and stupid thoughts of anxiety/depression ran through my head. I never felt like doing anything with anyone, I would force myself to go out and do things, but I would just be freaking out the whole time, constantly feeling embarresed because I would just randomly start to cry, sometimes for no reason, or trigger it would just start. I hated being with people, I hated being alone, I hated me for being me. God ran onto the field a couple of times calling a 2 minute time out and held me, shaking his head I am sure in frustration, and I telling him "I am going to do it, I am going to be the child you deserve, and worthy of you", then he let me go on fighting. Until finally I was at the end, I did not know who I could trust, all I would do is sit at home, thinking how wothless I was. I would ask myself, why would God even care about me, I am one meaningless person, leading a meaningless existence. And started succumbing to my thoughts of anxiety/depression. Then as I was listening to Mac speaking on Romans 8, and the wonder of God and his loving grace, and the power he wields if he we let him fight for us. I listened Friday, then Saturday I was so very low, but God sent a most awesome friend, who, even though I was crying like a baby for no other reason than because I could, came and prayed for me and he just held me in my time of need, I knew in that moment, it was a God moment, it was not by chance that he happened to look my way and even from a distance, see the pain. I realized even if my anxiety and experience told me I could not trust anyone, this moment proved, I can fully trust in God, and finally I just fell on my knees that night when I got home, and said, God, I can do nothing, and I am not worthy of your love or grace, but I give everything up to you, and will do as you will, in your way. I felt more joy than I have ever felt before, and within an hour, my phone rang. It was the person who had betrayed me, putting me in a never ending financial ruin. He said "I looked into my 9 year olds eyes tonight, and he asked what happened to Uncle Eric. Then I had this welling feeling, a feeling that through the rest of the night sat in my stomach like lead. I am so sorry for hurting you, when you did so much for me, I do not think the feeling will go away until I have reconciled with you. I do not expect your forgiveness, but only to reconcile what I have done". I forgave him and he has reconciled my finances, literally solving them overnight. God was so amazing, and not done yet. My phone had been stolen a month earlier, the next day, I got a call from the police, that my phone was found and the screen had been broken. I told them it had already been that way, and they said, "Well the insurance has already sent you a new one, sorry you will have to take it". I was awed and felt so unworthy, but in that moment knew that God will NEVER let us down, if only we will trust in him. But God was not done by a long shot, in that week, I actually talked to my parents and they accepted that I was Christian, and was not going to change, and actually showed interest in what I believe. Then the kickers, I had been so low the week before, I just had to talk and was desperate for anything that might help, my work offers free couciling, so I called and made an appointment. I walked into his office and we started to talk, and within minutes I realized it was Gods love that led me here. As I started to talk to him all of sudden he stopped me and said, you feel like this, and this , and this, and it gets really sucky when you feel like this. I sat there for a moment, and he just said, "I suffered and suffer from the same things, it sucks, I know, lets get through this". I have never had a more productive session in my life, I told him what had worked for me, and that some things had stopped, and he introduced me into some things that worked for him, and some things to try. I went home and cried, but this time tears of joy, God had come to me, he was not just part of my life, but in it, and it is the most awesome place for him to be. And then I was thinking about my session, and realized somthing I had been pondering for a while, and strugglng with, what I wanted to do occupationally speaking, nothing I had done had really done more than pay the bills or brought any satisfaction, at that moment, I realized the session had double purpose I loved the way he made me feel and the hope he gave, especially when I realized the coucilor, was just as crazy as the patient, and through that truly could connect with me. I am signing up for classes in psycology, because I want to do the same for someone else, I want to be able to bring the joy into their lives, and perhaps have them ask where my joy, and how my change happened. And I will tell them simply Christ, if they want to know more I can share the message of hope with them. The last blessing God has given me, I am still seeing what will come of it, and will let you know, but it may be one of the awesomest things that happen to me in my life, short of finding Christ. I am so amazed at the infinite love of Christ our God, and the limitless power he has. I was further touched by Steele speaking on Romans 10, when he said we need to stop trying to be worthy, and fix things ourselves and just accept that we will always be unworthy, but if you just go into Gods outstreched arms, he will make your cup run over, and when you think you have lost everything, he will give you as he gave Job, and me, two fold in return. God has mysterious ways, but they are amazing and God is an amazing God, who loves me and you and everyone that has, is, or will exist on this earth, if only we trust him with our whole heart, and even if you can trust nobody else, and it will not always be easy, with God everything is possible, and his love is infinite. Congrats if you made it all the way, sorry this is so long, but it is so true and God is so awesome, I had to share it.